Friday, May 7, 2010

My Death

Dear Eliza Beatrice, or Via,

To be truthful, I'm not afraid of death.
I'm not afraid of what will happen in after life.

What I'm really afraid of is the process of waiting for it, and the pain that is almost required for dying.
The process of dying is almost always painful.
I give you some examples:
- Getting hit by a car
- Falling off from high buildings
- Diseases(such as cancer, aids, malaria, etc.)
- Homicide(Being shot by a gun, for example, is quite common around the world)
- Capital punishment
- Suicide(there are many ways of this- but I think an overdose is the cleanest way)
- Heart attack
- Dying during sleeping

....and many more.
Actually, seeing all these causes of death,I'm surprised that I'm alive till now.

Out of all these events that could lead to dying, most of the ways are hurting to your body.
(except, of course dying due to an overdose and dying during sleeping)

I think there are also many types of dying, too.
One could die internally, if they have a big loss or whatever.
It is a bit scary how a person suddenly could lack something in an instant.

For example, if a person lost his or her family in an accident, and just suddenly lost everything, I could bet that the person died some how inside himself.
Although he will live on, at least his body, he will not be able to have the things or feeling that he had exactly in the past.
I think the feeling of hollowness inside your mind, the feeling that you're always sort of missing something is an evidence of a partial death within yourself.

I have died already.
I won't tell you why, because it's private.
But mainly, I lost my creations, which I like to refer as my "children".
I'm expecting my death once again today.
Again, as I have said before, waiting for death to come, when you are so sure that it will come, is most frightening.

I have made a fret in school today about me dying.
It was idiotic, but yes.
As I counted the time that was "left for me to live", I felt more and more miserable.
It was as if I really was going to die, physically.
Again, it was all stupid, but still, I was serious.
And then I remembered all the things I wanted to do before I was dying.

Of course, I REALLY wasn't going to DIE, but still.

Wow. I noticed that I had ALOT to do before I actually passed away.

For one thing, my friend Susan's birthday party is tomorrow, and I wouldn't be able to go.(I still haven't told my parents, because my death has to do with them-I am afraid that they will get pissed at me even by mentioning it.)
I still haven't seen all the comics and novels I wanted to see, I have never been to Disneyland yet, I never traveled to Japan, and I never have lived on my own yet, with everything I want. I never got to have my own tablet, my own laptop, my own book shelf, I nevr got to go to the comic center in Seoul(!).

And so many more "I haven't done...", and "I want to do..."


And I decided that I don't want to die.
But I think I will have to die-internally-anyways.
What a pity.


Alisha Stafford Feitosa said...

Well, I'm glad that things turned out okay, but I hate the pit of dread in your stomach when you're waiting for bad news to hit.

Tay Tay said...

I love it
But i won´t let u die